Baby Steps

There are a few things that I have had to admit to myself this week. Well one big thing really, I have been in denial. There are few things in life that happen the way we would like them to. I am trying not to be too hard on myself because I really am just beginning on this new road. This week I have struggled with my fight to stop smoking. My heart rate has been elevated, my blood pressure uncontrolled by the medication. I am ashamed to say that it has taken me this long to come to terms with the damage I have done to my body. The odds are stacked against me, there is a history of hypertension and heart disease in both my paternal grandparent's families. Why I thought I would be the lucky one to overcome it is beyond me. I go back to the doctor tomorrow and I am sure that the medication will change or increase or both. No matter the outcome one thing is for sure there are big changes coming for me. This week I finally accepted it is time to leave my job. The work that I loved for so long has taken it's toll on me. The work itself is not overwhelming but with every shift in funding means a shift in responsibility. That has been the hardest thing for me. There are days that I feel like I cannot pull my weight, so many things happen to take me away from work, like my health and  the health of my family. None of which I can control. With every sick day I feel more guilty for the burden it places on my co-workers, some of which have become very dear friends. Because of this I have come to the point where it is time to leave not only this particular job, but the counseling field in it's entirety. At least for a little while. I need to find something that is predictable, in a good way. Something that allows me to leave the job behind when it is quitting time. It will be hard, we all know the pickins are slim out there. On top of that how do you convince a perspective employer that you have the skills to do anything more than work with at risk youth when that is what you have lived and breathed for the past 10 years. Somehow with this realization has come a sense of peace within me. I contribute that in part to the most important person I work with supporting this change for me...you know who you are. The other realization I had this week is that I am making excuses for why other parts of my life cannot change. Specifically my physical activity. I have continued to say that I cannot find the time. How can I break away from the mommy responsibilities that "consume" my time at home. A very wise person once told me to make the things I dreaded the most into something fun, something that could be made into a family activity. I never really understood what that meant before last night. Last night I decided to register for the Heart Walk, a 5K walk in September to benefit the American Heart Association. As I put on my tennis shoes and got ready for my first evening walk, two little girls were begging to go with me, trust me I am not exaggerating. I spent more time arguing with them about why they could not go then it would have taken me to get them ready for a walk. It started a fight and made me angry for no reason.  Today I made a decision to include them in this journey. I picked up some cheap water bottles, 3 LED lanyard glow sticks (since we will be walking in the evening) and a pedometer.  Minus the stop for $1.99 Happy Meals on the way home from day care, it was the best decision I have made in recent weeks. I prepared them for the walk making sure they understood that it was going to be a long walk and that they would need to pay attention to cars. We put on our walking clothes and shoes, strung the glow sticks on our necks, grabbed our water bottles, babies and baby strollers and we were off. Two exercise buddies, forty minutes, 2.3 miles, 5072 steps and 392 calories later...I am no longer in denial.